Blinded: We Miss The Obvious Signs

When I first started this blog, it was about documenting my rise to the top of the world with my muse, Alice striding beside me. It was about capturing dreams and ideals that people think are impossible. During that time, I found the love of my life, something that billions of people spend their lives searching for. For me, it was easy like most of the things in my life. I was at the right place at the right time and we hit it off. We have a beautiful story that people would die for and we pride on what we have.

It didn’t take long for me to abandon the original purpose of this blog. It was then about being the top at the fastest pace. My muse remained my muse, but that is all she was to me for the past two years, my muse. When I needed strength to go on, I go to her. When I soar, I left her behind. “Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would so hard,” wrote Coldplay. Memories of us replay in my mind for the past two months like a broken record. However, every recollection is a different experience, allowing me to relive each moment from different vantage points. We watch and read the ghosts of Christmas past as a fabled feel-good story, but when you made the biggest mistake of your life, the story holds true and ghosts of your past would come nudging you. Tears would stream down uncontrollably as I wish I could turn back time. I would cringe at every word I said and every action I took.

I would ask myself the question, “How did I miss that?” As human beings, Alice would said, we are innately selfish, but with love, we would be selfless. Does it mean that when you love, you would be selfless. I loved her, but I was still selfish. Until this past week, when I would let her go, that I realize that it is not the idea of love that makes you selfless. It is when you truly love, then you’ll see that you could be selfless. I had to let her go. I could see it in her eyes. But what does it all mean? She was hugging me in the supermarket just less than a week ago when we were buying our groceries. “We were happy for the past week!” I would exasperate. But that doesn’t change the script that I wrote for us. But as we diverge from the path we were on, I find myself falling in love with her again and she too. I will never forget the day, 24th of November, when she would rush into the room and hug me, saying that she is falling in love with me again. I truly did not see this coming, but as I sat quietly in my car ride home today, I realize that I falling in love with her again.

Throughout this two-and-a-half years, I didn’t fall out of love with her completely, I took her for granted. In the past year, no matter how much of a jerk I was, I would not be able to live for more than two days without her voice. This past Thursday, 12th of December, when I woke up at 7:30 a.m, I find myself almost in tears because she was no where to be found. I cannot stop thinking about her. I find myself no longer having the appetite to eat anymore because I lost my muse. Simply that, I lost the love of my life.

This brings me back to the topic of this post – We Miss The Obvious Signs. Despite all these things that I’ve said, the opportunities to make right were all in front of me. I didn’t have to find her, she was there. I didn’t need to create a chance to make amends, she presented them to me. I didn’t need to try to figure out, her alarm sings it every single day. I find these thoughts a revelation, but if only I actually listen to the lyrics of her alarm. I’m not sure if she set that ringtone as a reminder or it is just a coincidence, but I finally understood the song and being able to relate to the song. I can no longer salvage nor can I say that it would be alright. Right now, all I can hope for is that, we can go back to the start. I still believe in us, and I am falling in love again with Alice. Now all I want and all I wish for is to go back to the start again and to take every opportunity to love her.

Clock waits for no one
Summer followed by fall
My heart is hurting like never before
and it crawls
and it crawls

It feels like catch-22
Her arms are beyond reach
The longer it creeps
The further she is away
Just pursue
Just pursue
Just pursue

There is one thing that would turn this around
Like an hourglass turned upside down
for true love’s separation
to other destinations
will reunite us
in this circle of love